Style Conversational Week 1466: Let’s make it right The Empress of The Style Invitational on this week’s funny-corrections contest and job-switch winners The website Testy Copy Editors shared this on Facebook Dec. 8. “If only The New York Times had access to a list of editors,” it mused. The Style Invitational invites you to have fun with corrections in this week's contest, Week 1466. (Screen image from Testy Copy Editors) By Pat Myers December 9, 2021 at 4:48 p.m. EST “The Washington Post strives for a nimble, accurate and complete news report. We endeavor to be promptly responsive in correcting errors in material published on digital platforms and in print. When we run a correction, clarification or editor’s note, our goal is to tell readers, as clearly and quickly as possible, what was wrong and what is correct. Anyone should be able to understand how and why a mistake has been corrected.” That’s the doctrine listed in The Post’s in-house guide to writing corrections. We really do strive for transparency. I’m pretty sure, though, that it hasn’t always been the case that we’ve aimed to “tell readers … what was wrong”; the rationale I heard over my years on the copy desk was that you don’t want to repeat an inaccuracy, so just go ahead and say what the correct fact is and leave it at that. But as you can imagine, readers were often left thinking: “Wow, what ridiculous thing did they actually say?!” (And just maybe we didn’t want to embarrass ourselves by admitting what doofy thing we said.) But certainly as long ago as 2004, The Post spelled out in its corrections box on Page A2 — to some degree — this howler that I quoted in the introduction to The Style Invitational’s Week 609 contest. “The Sunday, April 10, edition of ‘The Mini Page,’ about wind waves, tsunamis and tides, incorrectly indicated that the sun orbits the Earth.” Unfortunately, The Post’s archives don’t include preprinted supplements like The Mini Page (which was inserted into the Sunday comics) and so I can’t look up exactly what sort of science lesson was being imparted to our tykes, and how this idea was “indicated.” I wasn’t even able to track down the text of the correction to see if there was more to it, but my search for Mini Page corrections of 2004 did lead me serendipitously to a more conventionally obfuscatory “correction” of the era, from the Daytona Beach News-Journal: “A photo caption on The Mini Page, 2D, on Monday should have reported June 6, 1944, as the date U.S. and allied troops landed on the beaches in Normandy.” Maybe they had said that was the day the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor? The signing of the Declaration of Independence? Anyway, I hope you’ll have fun spoofing newspaper corrections — much as Mess With Our Heads contests (and of course the Onion) spoof headline conventions — with this week’s contest, Week 1466. I remember judging this contest with delight in 2004 in my first year on the throne (or, actually, in the car while waiting in the elementary school kid-pickup line). And the results are hilarious! So why did I wait 17 years to do it again? Perhaps because I worried that all the jokes to be had were already … had. But surely I was selling y’all short. One tack you might take — this was noted by Loser Dave Prevar when he suggested that I redo the contest — is to write the correction as if it’s from some specific publication, such as the Rocky Mountain News in Denver clarifying which kind of “oysters” to use in a recipe. Here are the results of Week 609 (while President George W. Bush was seeking reelection). The contest had been suggested by Russell Beland, then the Invite’s dominant Loser. Third runner-up: A June 4 news article described White House senior adviser Karl Rove as “a vicious old bloodsucker in the thrall of corporate paymasters.” Mr. Rove is 54. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington) Second runner-up: The reviewer of “Monster-in-Law” incorrectly described the film as “two hours of my life I’ll never get back.” The film’s actual running time is 101 minutes. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) First runner-up, the winner of the CD of pop song parodies about food safety: In last week’s Book World, authorship of the anonymous poem beginning “There was an old man from Nantucket” was incorrectly attributed to Emily Dickinson. (Dennis Lindsay, Seabrook, Md.) And the winner of the Inker: Due to a transcription error, the Indian prime minister’s wife at Tuesday’s White House dinner was incorrectly described as wearing “a sorry ensemble.” (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.) Honorable Mentions: [before we started doing the reader-submitted subheads] In the April 24 Travel article “Hiking in Grizzly Country,” a word was omitted from the final sentence. The sentence should have read: “Be sure never to carry chunks of raw meat in your pockets.” Also, a May 11 article, “Area Hikers Mauled in Yellowstone,” contained erroneous information supplied by a park official who reported that all the victims were from Maryland; in fact, one was from Virginia. (Dennis Lindsay) [Wow, that was a weensy bit subtle; I had to reread it to get it. Sick humor!] Yesterday’s obituary of the North Korean ambassador contained an inaccurate date. According to CIA sources, his death will not occur for several days. (Dan Seidman, Watertown, Mass.) In an article on swearing in local schools, the principal of George Washington Elementary was misquoted. “He’s a %#!!@#ing liar” was actually “He’s a %#!!ing liar.” (Chris Doyle, Raleigh) [In addition to his unbeatable position as highest-scoring loser ever, Chris surely holds the record for number of different towns cited after his name. I’m thinking of Burke, Va., to start, and there were places in Missouri, Alabama, North Carolina, Hawaii and Texas — not to mention all the ports of call he sent entries from on his round-the-world travels.] A recent Metro article listed James Schlemtz of 1223 J St. NE as the surprise witness who prosecutors fear might be murdered before he can testify. While accurate, the story should not have included that information. (Russell Beland, Springfield) [“J Street” is the 555- number of Washington writing; the alphabet-street grid skips J.] A recent editorial noted that John Bolton’s mustache looked “as if it had been torn from the rear end of a baboon.” Baboon rear ends are bare. The correct simile is “Japanese snow monkey.” (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) [17 years ago, people!] A correction in yesterday’s paper incorrectly indicated that the editors regretted making an error in the previous day’s edition. The editors actually felt no remorse for the mistake. This newspaper regrets the error. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis) [The Post actually doesn’t use the common “regrets the error” phrase in corrections.] A series of printing errors on the Op-Ed page caused George F. Will to appear to be even more of an insufferable pedant than his column usually makes him out to be. (Russell Beland) [Did I mention 17 years?] In an article about a principal who refused to let the school chorus sing “Louie Louie,” the lyrics “Eh fnh lttl grurl shweat Fermi” should have read “Ehh fnne little ghullsh wate furme.” (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly) Due to a typographical error, an obituary stated that Joseph McDonald was survived by his wife of 270 years. They were actually married for 27 years. It only seemed like 270. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Workers took two hours to remove an eight-foot crucifix from the apse of St. James Cathedral, not the “arse of St. James” as reported. (Bird Waring, New York) A recent editorial said the president’s IQ was equal to his shoe size. It should have made clear that it was referring to European sizes, which have higher numbers than American sizes. For instance, American men’s size 10 is equivalent to a European size 43. (Russell Beland) An article titled “Ann Coulter’s Favorite Flicks” should not have included the Zapruder film. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) [How many years exactly?] In last week’s Food section, the lists in “Tom Sietsema’s 20 Favorite D.C. Dining Destinations” and “D.C. Restaurants Closed for Health Violations” were inadvertently transposed. (Greg Pearson, Arlington, Va.) The map accompanying an article on Monday’s Science Notebook page should have depicted a tortoise, not an elephant, holding the Earth on its back. (Jan Stanley, Reston, Va.) Wednesday’s Miss Manners column incorrectly stated that if a crouton falls down the dress of the lady seated next to you, etiquette dictates removing it with the sugar tongs. While that remains the case in Europe, Americans follow the precedent set by Woodrow Wilson at a 1916 state dinner, in which the fingers were used. (Mike Fransella, Arlington, Va.) An item in yesterday’s Post said the Washington Times would pay $1 apiece for used diapers for a consumer study. This was erroneous. Oops. Our bad. (Dan Seidman) In an article on the history of the Potomac River, rowing enthusiast Max Schmitt was misquoted; he actually referred to Fletcher’s as “the best oarhouse I’ve ever been to.” (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.) [The late Marty must have been an art buff to quote a “Max Schmitt”] A recent article in Health suggested that thousands of people are deliberately injecting their faces with botulism toxin. That’s just got to be wrong. (Russell Beland) Friday’s Federal Page reported on John Smith’s promotion from Special Assistant to the Assistant Deputy Undersecretary at the Department of Homeland Security to Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary for Special Projects at DHS. Further investigation reveals that this was actually a demotion. (Joseph Romm, Washington, former Special Assistant to the Deputy Secretary of Energy, and also Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary, and even Acting Assistant Secretary for six months) Because of a typographical error, the May 13 editorial page masthead listed The Washington Post’s publisher as “Full o’ B.S. Jones.” His real name is Boisfeuillet Jones Jr. (Tom Witte) [He pronounces his name “Bo-fillay” and, outside the official listing, goes by “Bo Jones.” He went on to be chairman of The Post Co. board until 2011. The current publisher is Fred Ryan, who goes by “Fred Ryan.”] Yesterday’s Ask Amy column replied to “Lonely in Largo” with advice that was wrong, wrong, wrong. Don’t mistake the giddiness of this new fling for the constancy of your old love. Yes, it can be hard to love a man who’s away every night writing corrections at the newspaper, but, oh, come on, Doreen, I’m just asking for another chance. (Brendan Beary) And Last: In violation of Post editorial policy, today’s Style Invitational improperly lists the contest’s judge under a pseudonym, “The Empress.” She is Valerie Plame. — R. Novak, Washington (Mark Eckenwiler) Okay, Losers — top those. Oh, and here are the examples that accompanied the announcement of the contest. I don’t remember if they were all mine or some were Russell’s. The first one would definitely be mine. An article about a comedy camp for children in the Catskill mountains described one boy as “a real ham.” The phrase should have read “a real brisket.” Tuesday's weather page reported a 70 percent chance of rain for the next day. The chance of rain Wednesday was actually 100 percent. A recent story described the wife of the new pope and her plans to spruce up the Vatican. The pope is actually a bachelor. Careearrangements:* The job switches of Week 1462 *Non-inking entry by Chris Doyle, who instead succeeded with “Shift Workers” The Week 1462 contest — to say what would happen if two people switched professions or other roles — turned out to be more challenging than most; the Loser Community clearly tried hard, but so many of the thousand or so entries felt like trying. But as usual, a few dozen jokes inkworthily shone out. And then you have this week’s winner, the phenomenally successful Invite rookie Coleman Glenn, who crafted this double: Edgar Allan Poe writes children’s books: “Still that hatted cat comes calling, Nameless Things with him enthralling Children who, their caution falling, Heed their parents nevermore.” Dr. Seuss writes horror: “Then I heard from the floorboards a thumpety-thump, like a tocker whose ticker just started to jump.” Coleman Glenn has been submitting humor to the Invitational for only a few months, and while I’ve come to know the particular writing styles of some longtime Losers enough to guess, sometimes, which entries are theirs, I’m not that well acquainted with Coleman. But I keep picking him to win. My no-doubt-about-it choice this week for the Clowning Achievement is Coleman’s third win of the whole contest in five weeks; if that’s happened before, it’s an astonishingly rare feat. Coleman’s first two wins: First, four weeks ago (Week 1458), to use all the letters in a TV show title to create a new one: Gilligan’s Island > Ding-a-lings in Sand: Still “Gilligan’s Island.” Then, in less of a surprise for the man who regularly writes verse both light and arty (and the father of four young children), poems using terms newly added to the dictionary: The fourth trimester, the months after the birth: We cuddled you close for the whole fourth trimester — We cherished that bond, and the closeness was heaven. And dear, we still love you; we don’t mean to pester — But … leave. It’s trimester one hundred and seven. Upon receiving his Clowning Achievement trophy — a.k.a. the Disembodied Clown Head on a Stick — Coleman posted to the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook an adorable video of his delighted 2-year-old poking the Clowner’s nose. [Sorry, you need to be a group member to see that link. Join up here — it’s a private group — and I or my co-admin Alex Blackwood will wave you in.] And in second place, another impressive rookie: It’s a shame that Leif (pronounced Layf) Picoult wasn’t around back in the day for our Rodney Dangerfieldism contest in 2001, because he does a spot-on Rodney imitation — with the added dimension of Donald Trump. And in third, the newly returned Amanda Yanovitch is scoring ink week after week as well — this time a mordant link between the “there’s nothing wrong” insistence by China about the silenced tennis player Peng Shuai and the sudden exodus of top aides to Vice President Harris. And in fourth, there’s Ol’ Hall of Famer Gary Crockett, loping away from that 500-ink mark. What Doug Dug: Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood liked all the top winners this week, especially Leif’s Rodney/Trump, and also liked John Hutchins’s Joe Biden/Tom Brady (no worries about too much inflation with the latter). But even more, Doug was partial to Mark Raffman’s Colonel Sanders/Dan Snyder switch, especially the reference to the revelations of a toxic work environment for women in the Washington Football Team front office: “Dan enjoys owning a franchise where pictures of breasts, legs and thighs don’t get you investigated.” ---- Last-minute art adjustment: Late Thursday afternoon, the editors removed Bob Staake’s cartoon illustrating the first example in this week’s correction contest, an inking entry in Week 609 in 2004: “Wednesday’s Miss Manners column incorrectly stated that if a crouton falls down the dress of the lady seated next to you, etiquette dictates removing it with the sugar tongs. While that remains the case in Europe, Americans follow the precedent set by Woodrow Wilson at a 1916 state dinner, in which the fingers were used.” Bob had drawn Woodrow setting the precedent. This is my fault; I should have told him to draw something else: There’s a different standard for what you can say vs. what you can draw.